What’s your favorite sex position? That’s the first question I ask women on dates, which is why all of my dates end after one question. There are so many great sex positions to choose from: missionary, cowgirl, doggystyle, the butter churner, the wheelbarrow, the pretzel. There’s even sex positions inspired by the epic fantasy series Game of Thrones, if you’re interested in “bending the knee” (and I know you are).
However, there’s one sex position a lot of guys don’t like: when the woman’s on top. I mean, we want women to be on top, like, in general. Smash that glass ceiling! We just don’t want you to be on top in the bedroom. So leave that glass ceiling in the bedroom in perfect condition. No smashing! Especially while we’re smashing. Don’t smash while we smash. Got it? Cool.
Here are nine things guys secretly hate about sex with the woman on top:
1. His penis might snap.
Yes, penis snapping is a thing. It’s also known as “penile fracture,” “broken dick” or “OWWWWWWW WHAT THE F—K?!” See, much like the Internet, a penis is a series of tubes. When a man gets aroused, blood rushes into the tubes, making his penis hard. But what, if like Anakin Skywalker, the erect penis experiences the wrong “force”? Say, if it hits the woman’s perineum? No, that’s not a flower. It’s the area between her anus and vulva. And trust me – it does not smell like a flower. Anyway, if the dude hits the wrong place while thrusting, it can result in pressure overload. The supporting tissue can’t take it, and there’s a rupture. A doctor in a Men’s Health article compares it to “sticking in a pin in a blown up balloon.” (Yeesh.) And what is the most likely sex position, in which this secario could happen? When the woman’s on top. Don’t do it, girl!
2. Hair gets in his mouth.
If a woman got long hair, and doesn’t tie it back, it causes a ton of problems. Her hair tickles the guy’s face, making him laugh. Her hair gets in his mouth, grossing him out. Her hair pokes his eyeballs, making him cringe. This is why nobody wants to bone Rapunzel.
3. He’s in a vulnerable position.
When the woman’s on top, she’s in the position of power. She can do whatever she wants, and what if she wants to murder you? What if she wants to rob you? What if she’s crazy? To quote George Carlin, “Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” I’m so stupid I thought that quote helped my argument!
4. He can’t see dat ass.
To quote one of America’s greatest poets, Sir Mix-A-Lot: “I like big butts and I cannot lie / You other brothers can’t deny / That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist / And a round thing in your face You get sprung.” If the girl’s on top, the man can’t see her round thing, and he’ll never get sprung! Never!
5. He gets elbowed in the chest.
When the woman’s on top, she might try to get leverage by pushing against the man’s chest. And what if she has bony elbows? The man’s chest will be bruised, and when he goes to the beach and his friends ask what happened, he’ll have to lie and say, “I fell down some stairs.” And what if she pushes his chest with her hands? That’s like CPR, and there’s nothing sexy about CPR. I took a class once. Those CPR dummies were fours at best.
6. It messes up the rhythm.
Since guys are used to being on top, they’re used to setting the pace. They’ve got the rhythm down. It’s like a beautiful song by Beyoncé. But the woman’s not used to being on top. She might not be able to set the pace, and it’ll screw up the rhythm. It will be like Beyoncé’s kids, Blue Ivy, Sir and Umi running around the house banging pots and pans. Not romantic.
7. She wants to grind instead of the old ‘in and out.’
There’s three things all women like: Disney princesses, chocolate ice cream and grinding. If the woman’s on top, she’s just going to want to grind, because it gives her ladyparts clap emojiis. But guys don’t get ecstasy from grinding – they get ecstasy from going in and out. Grinding and in-and-out just don’t mix. It’s like Spider-Man joining the Justice League.
8. He’s going to make a mess on himself.
Here’s the most disgusting physics question ever: If the woman’s on top, and the man finishes, based on their positions, where is the fluid going to go? Consult the laws of spermodynamics, and you’ll find the answer: Right on the man’s stomach, and it might even dribble into his belly button, if he’s an innie. That’s just gross. Meanwhile, when the man’s on the top, the mess just gets on the woman. Everybody wins.
9. His head might slam into the headboard.
If the woman gets too excited while “riding the dragon,” the man’s head might slam into the headboard. That’s no fun. Nobody wants a concussion. What am I, an NFL player?
That’s nine air-tight reasons why the woman should never be on top during sex. Actually, we probably only needed one reason, the penis snapping one. That still gives me nightmares.