Let’s get past the fact that “50 Photos That Will Leave You with Trust Issues” could be a fantastic Drake song. Actually, I shouldn’t have brought that up. Now I’m just playing a fictional Drake song in my head. Anyways, welcome to the world of liars. Not only lying people, but lying products and signs too. We’ve got all sorts of liars here today, so strap in and get ready for me to roast some filthy, no good liars – #47 will totally get you on the floor.
1. Avoid the Nuke Box
These should obviously be called freezer containers and lids. They seem to be great for freezers, apparently. I just don’t get why this has to happen. I’m going to blame it on either someone not giving a shit enough to check, or that this was poorly translated. It could also be both.
This is why we need to go back to having tupperware parties. You’d get a bunch of friends together and a lady would come to your house to show you all the different types of tupperware she had. Isn’t that just so beautifully pure? The only products that still do that are knives and sex toys. Have you ever been to a sex toy party? I love sex toys, but I don’t love the idea of everyone seeing which toys I’m into, ya feel me?
2. Nice try, robot
Something tells me that Evan isn’t so great at his job. I also suspect that Evan isn’t a human. In fact, do you think a lot of those chat robots are even human? No, they just throw out a couple of automated responses to get past the easiest of questions that are usually solved quickly just by copy and pasting order numbers and whatnot. If your problem is bigger, they’ll send a real human, or maybe just a smarter robot.
The worst thing about these chat services, whether it’s a robot or a human, is that you can’t properly get mad. Screaming in the phone at least helps you blow off some steam. Jabbing at the keys of the keyboard in anger isn’t as stimulating. You could yell at them in all caps, but even that doesn’t really do the trick, does it?
3. How many is Thousands?
Let’s be fair. This product was never going to produce thousands of flowers. That’s a huge amount of flowers. There’s no way that one bouquet could hold that many. It would actually be a curse to have that many flowers grow in one pot. Your home or garden would be overthrown by by this parasite plant. If you’re asking me, it’s a good thing this product is a liar.
I guess this ad felt like it had to lie. “Grow a bouquet” doesn’t sound as impressive as “grow thousands.” You could just buy a bouquet. You can’t really buy a thousand flowers. There’s a fine line with numbers on what you can brag about. Two is not enough to brag about. Even if you were talking about full size cars. “Comes with TWO cars!” All of a sudden two seems like nothing.
4. State Lies
I’m not saying that I buy Arizona iced tea because I have fond memories of how the tea tastes in Arizona. In fact, I’ve never even heard any stereotypes about Arizona tea. Why the name then? We buy it because it’s ninety nine cents and big as hell. You don’t need any other reason to buy it. Is that how out of touch Canadians are that they just assume, “hey, Arizona is a state. Americans will like that.” They might have been on to something though. It might have done worse if it was called Canada Iced Tea. Americans are super into America to the point where they won’t drink Canada iced tea.
What would Canada Iced Tea be? A bunch of gravy and cheese in a tea pitcher? That sounds good too. Just make sure it’s only ninety nine cents.
5. What Kind of Animal?
I have incredibly fond memories of these white cookies in the shape of animals. My childhood was marked by the moments when I was lucky enough to have these. I don’t know if my parents were actually so poor that they couldn’t get them for me often, or they were just saving me from diabetes. These cookies are so sweet that I don’t’ even know what they’re made out of. It must just be compacted sugar.
The fun thing about these cookies isn’t just the sugar rush. It’s pretending the animal is alive, walking around, and then eating it. You can’t do that with an amorphous blob! Amorphous blobs are gross. No one wants to eat one of those. Cookie makers, you better get your molds right. I want pristine lions, tigers, and bears, oh my!
6. Color Blind
What came first, the chicken or the egg? The button or the sign? These are some of life’s biggest mysteries. You have to wonder if someone made the sign and then realized that the store only sold green buttons. “They’ll get it.” The thing is, people won’t get it. We’ll spend hours looking for a red button somewhere, afraid to press the green button. “No one said press the green button. What happens if I press that? Certain death?” That’s exactly where my mind would go. I’d never end up entering the building at all.
I’m glad it isn’t the other way around. If that was a random red button, no one would ever press it. Red buttons mean “don’t press unless you want something bad to happen.” At least green buttons are happy buttons. Good things happen with green buttons!
7. Why though?
Hey, advertisers, let me let you in on a little secret. When we buy products, we’re expecting something fairly perfect. You’re not fooling anyone by saying your product is perfect. In fact, that just puts your product up for higher scrutiny. I don’t even know what perfect underwear would be. No brown stains, I guess? Then just buy brown underwear. Better yet, wash yourself a little better. Use the baby wipe method. You can’t go wrong with baby wipes!
I wonder what caused these to be slightly imperfect. I have a ton of slightly imperfect underwear in my drawer. I wear those on laundry day. They are my undies with broken elastic, holes, or with a weird stain that won’t come out. I promise I won’t talk about my underwear anymore, especially my slightly imperfect underwear.
8. It’s Lit in There
I get it. We all need a break some time. Especially if you work in retail. I’ve worked in retail and it can be very difficult. Sometimes every single employee’s spirit will be shot for no apparent reason. It’s like a collective sadness envelops the store. Those are the days when you all agree to close up shop. These employees must have had that same idea. “We’ll say there’s no power, then we can just chill.” There are many flaws with that plan. The main one being that you left the lights on, dummies.
If you work any shit job, you have to take advantage of it as much as possible. I’m not saying every retail job is shit. There are many non-retail jobs that suck, and plenty of retain jobs that rule, but if yours does suck, take advantage at every moment you can.
9. Oh, the Irony
Sure, it sucks to wait patiently for your DVD to arrive in the mail, only to find that it is broken and unwatchable when it finally gets there. Then again, this is probably the best movie for that to happen with. It’s good for a chuckle, even though this person was out of luck for their movie night. This picture makes me miss the days of Netflix’ DVD service. I was an avid supporter. At one point I even had both Netflix and Blockbuster’s DVD mail-in service. Blockbuster’s service was the best because you could return your DVDs in store to get a movie in the store, and they’d immediately mail out your next set of mail DVDs.
Why do I look back fondly on that as if it was better when now I can have a million movies in the palm of my hand?
10. Sew What?
Shout out to the GOAT of the cookie world: Danish butter cookies. The more butter a cookie has in it, the better it is. That’s plain and simple. Those Danish butter cookies get dangerous though. You could end up eating a whole tin as long as you have something to drink with it. If not you might end up with some cookie cement in your throat. I’d be OK with dying from overdosing on Danish butter cookies. That’s a good death.
The other great thing about them is that they make great storage. Most of the time you see people use them for sewing kits. Sew what? Hehe. But really, it sucks when you want a cookie but get a handful of needles and yarn. Then again, if you’re just jamming your hand into a cookie tin without looking, that’s on you.
11. No, You’re Not
It’s one thing when a sign tells you this. You can’t clapback on a sign. It’s another thing when the employee looks you dead in the eye and says “We don’t have any pretzels.” Then you can totally lay into them. That’s the fun part. This tray obviously has some pretzels in it, but I have some insider knowledge to let you in on. I used to work at a movie theater and we had these very same pretzel displays. Here’s the truth: Those aren’t real pretzels.
They made fake pretzels that always look appetizing to put in the trays. The real pretzels are in the back in a steamer. I’ve had this argument many times where someone wanted to buy the pretzel in the display. Even after telling them it was fake, they still wanted to buy it.
12. But What About the Doggo?
Vanity license plates are a true sign of a douchebag. That’s what bumper stickers were for. Now you can never get away from a crime scene. “Hello, 9-1-1. Someone with the license plate, BIGCOCK, just hit me and drove away. (pause) No, they did not hit me with their big cock.” This driver is obviously a cat lady, but then why is there a dog in that car?! Has she betrayed the species that she once loved so much?
What could have happened is that she bought this car used and it already had the license plate. That must suck for people who buy a car with a horrible vanity license plate. You either have to spend your own money to get it changed, or you just have to live with being CATLADY despite having a huge dog.
13. At Least Separate the Labels
If you’re going to lie to me, don’t make it so easy for me to find out about it. Lie to me, get away with it, and then we’re all happy. Lies only become extra bad when someone gets caught. That’s where the negative energy comes from. This bottle of juice let the lies be known front and center. 100% juice? You can’t tell me that and then two lines later tell me it’s 27% juice. That’s just not fair. I won’t get played like that.
What’s up with juice? I buy juice for 100% juice. If you bought a hot dog and it said, 27% hot dog you’d be pissed. You want a full hot dog. What would 27% of a hot dog be? That’s the hot dog after I’ve taken three bites of it
14. We’re Gonna Need a Smaller Box
The title of this one is a really bad attempt at a reference to the line in Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat.” It was so obscure that I had to tell you that. Now, moving on. That may actually be a fair slice of pizza. I’m going to leave that open to your interpretation. Let’s say that it is a fair slice. By putting it in a big box, the pizza people are only doing themselves a disservice. It’s like having a huge bazooka that only shoots rubber bands. I want bazooka bullets! Even if that was a huge slice of pizza, it all of a sudden looks small when it’s in that box. You’re always going to feel ripped off.
To be real though, that’s a tiny slice of pizza. It looks like this person got it at a sporting event too, so you know they paid $20 for it.
15. I Count Three
If you want your business to grow, avoid calling it “2 Men and [anything].” Especially if you’re trying to look impressive. “Look at us. It only takes two of us to handle this job.” Then the other guy shows up and you have to start making excuses. “Um, he’s just going to watch.” Then again, this doesn’t sound any better: “A Varying Amount of Guys Depending on the Job and a Truck.”
I bet this company is so sick of people making jokes when they get there. “I thought you only had two guys, nyuck nyuck nyuck.” They asked for it, but that doesn’t make it any less infuriating, I’m sure. The same thing can happen to you if you have certain names. Anyone named Mary Jane has to get through a barrage of weed jokes.
16. Where are My Carrots?!
The thing about mixed vegetables is they are a mixed bag. Get it? I used the old adage of something being a mixed bag while talking about something that actually is a mixed bag. It’s like they should pay me to write or something. Anyway, for real where are the carrots? Let’s not pretend like carrots are super expensive or anything. I can get twenty of them for 99 cents.
They say carrots help your eyesight, but I’m so sick of that BS. It’s not the carrots, it’s the vitamin in the carrots, which is also in so many other things. If you want to help your eyesight, stop looking at a computer screen for sixteen hours a day. That’s the only secret. Sorry, carrots. I hate to reveal the truth and ruin your reputation, but that’s what it is.
17. How Dare You?
I don’t even know where to put my junk mail anymore. I get too much of it to put in the trash. It’s getting ridiculous. If I signed up for every credit card application that they sent me, I’d own half the world’s wealth in credit form. If I had plans to die, I’d just sign up for all these thirty thousand dollar loans and have a blast. Everyone else in my life can deal with my debt later. I’ll be cruising in the clouds with Jesus and Tupac.
You know what I hate about this tactic? It works. You know you’re going to open that piece of mail, in hope that maybe it’s a cash credit for something. No. Just actual junk mail. It doesn’t matter that it was a lie if it works.
18. Cheesy Sons of *******
Wow. This is the cheese equivalent of Spanx. You see one thing, but when it comes down to business it’s a whole other thing. Those definitely look like they should be big blocks of cheese. These suckers knew what they were doing with that box. How many people in the world eat cheese? Millions at the very least. We could all get together and join in on a class action lawsuit. We won’t demand any money. Our demands are simple. More cheese.
You have to watch out for gift boxes like this. Sometimes they are a good value, but they are often just leftover BS that the company is trying to get rid of by packaging together. “Here’s two of your favorite flavors plus one that didn’t sell well last winter. Buy three get one free.”
19. Unusual Alien Lifeforms
“Should the alien faces go on the top, bottom, or middle?” / “I don’t think it’ll matter much.” / “Bottom it is.” After that conversation, this monstrosity was born. Balloon designers could really use to find new ways to utilize the nub in their designs. The only designs I can think of are adult-themed balloons. I think you know what I’m thinking. If you don’t, then you have a pure mind and you should be very happy with yourself. My mind is constantly flooded with dirty thoughts.
When’s the last time you inflated a balloon with your mouth? I took a few years off and then tried to do it again and found it very difficult. Maybe it’s the years of smoking. My lung capacity isn’t so good unless it’s inhaling something. Even then, my lungs are struggling.
20. The Evidence
You can’t be that desperate to sell your product that you push the date back over and over again. Just eat the couple bucks and hike the price up on La Croix. The white people will pay upwards of ten dollars a can. That’s where you’ll get your money. I have a feeling the workers just kept smelling this day after day. If it smelled OK then they’d put a new sticker on it. Once it smelled bad, time to toss it or turn it into the store’s chicken salad.
There are some horrifying things that go down in some grocery stores. It starts to make you wonder if you just should avoid eating all together. Maybe just start a cricket farm where you can grind them into protein bars and live off that. Actually, I’ll take my chances with the chicken salad.
21. Have Your Cake and Eat It Too- WAIT WHAT?
This may be a lie, but it’s also a very cute prank as long as you have an opinion on pie. Pranks like this work best if the person either loves pie or hates pie. If the person has a fifty-fifty relationship with pie, they’ll cut into this and just wonder, “what the hell is going on? Why would you ever do this?” I think that’s just a cardboard box with frosting on it. Imagine if you tried to smash your face in it and just came into contact with hard cardboard and table.
Have you ever seen videos of people getting violent during birthday cake celebrations? People go absolutely crazy. They put their full body weight into the person’s head as if that were necessary. I’m glad no one ever did anything like that to me.
22. The Push/Pull Conflict
Somehow doors are very difficult. They are slightly easier than USB drives, but they can still be tricky. Even when labeled, people mess it up for whatever reason. I think it’s the pressure of walking up to the door and quickly realizing that you have to make a decision, but you’re too deep into it to stop and read the sign. You make a choice. Fifty percent of the time that choice is wrong. Everyone inside the building look at you like you’re an idiot, despite the fact that they did the exact same thing.
This reverse sign doesn’t help matters at all. You can’t help but look like an idiot when encountering this door. In fact, you have a better chance of doing the right thing if you just take a random guess at which way to go.
23. Orange You Glad?
There are very little uses for an orange pen. They aren’t acceptable for school papers or legal documents, and hell, they’re hard to read. That means that if you grab a pen that says it’s orange, you really intended on needing an orange pen. I can’t name a single reason why you would need an orange pen, but you would need one nonetheless. Then this stupid pen comes along ruining your whole plan. How dare you, good sir?
I recently went to Staples for some random office items and they had a sale on 500 pens for $9.99. Now I’m rolling in pens. It’s incredible. I just throw them away and lose them on purpose now. I might as well. I have 500 to burn through. I’d be so upset if they were all orange though.
24. A Picture is Worth a Thousand Lies
How many years were there in between these photos? It looks like a whole building went down and got replaced. That’s not even the most upsetting part about it. I don’t remember the capitol building ever moving. In all honesty, this is probably due to the lens used. In some movies it’ll look like the actors are right in front of each other but in actuality they have to be dozens of feet away from each other to give the best look. It’s wild. Everything you’ve ever seen through a camera is a lie. I’m glad I have the best camera in the world: my eyes.
“Within walking distance of the capitol building*” *Just not as much as it looks like in the photo. If you go on vacation, you better like walking. That’s 90% of what vacations are.
25. Font Size Lies
This marketing tactic should be illegal. It’s not even good because no one is going to be happy when they get there. Sure, getting people in the door is a win, but when they hate you it doesn’t work as well. Then again, we all know that there’s no such thing as free beer. What’s bizarre is that you’re more likely to get free beer if you’re rich and can already afford beer. That’s true of everything. Rich people get shit for free all the time.
Remember when punk bands would name themselves things like Free Beer and Nude Girls? That way no one could look them up. That’s how anti-establishment they were. There’s something cool to that, but by something I mean like 10%. It’s 90% stupid. Help people listen to your music, ya dopes.
26. The Neverending Story
Never ending pasta is the greatest scam in the world. It’s like never ending soda. Soda is so cheap that they could just give it away, but they charge you more so you can have unlimited. The thing is, if you can drink more than two big glasses then you have diabetes, so… stop. Pasta is the same. It’ll fill you up so quickly that you’ll never be able to take them out of business by eating forty bowls. Good luck getting through three bowls without having an internal issue.
Let’s face it, all you can eat is what you make of it. Some days you have no business going to an all you can eat restaurant. Other days, you’re ready to throw down so you walk into Hometown Buffet and put down eight plates. That’s what’s up.
27. Instructions on the Bottle
The good thing about having a product name that also explains how to use the product is that it’s self explanatory. People love self explanatory. If people have to do research on how to use a product, it’ll be dead in the water. Trust me, I know this. I watch Shark Tank. That makes me a business coach. One a Day vitamins is perfect because people are like, “cool. I know what to do, and it sounds easy.” Anyone can take one vitamine a day. Two though? You know you’re going to forget to take one of them. That’s why this one is such a burn. Might as well throw the whole thing out!
About two times a year I get really good at taking vitamins for about a month, then I mysteriously stop. I have no idea why. It’s a cycle I just can’t break.
28. Only the Good Parts
Oh, man. We see what you did there. You should should always be wary when a product only reveals part of it. Why not show the whole thing? What are you hiding? It’s like dating profile pictures. It’s like, oh, so you’re not going to give a body picture at all? I see what’s going on here. Even worse if there isn’t a single picture of their face. “I have a really great personality.” You know you’re in trouble when that happens. Sorry uggos, but own up to it. Someone thinks you’re beautiful. Just be up front.
I don’t think this carbonara needs any more meat or mushroom or whatever the hell that is, but I don’t like the dishonesty. Frozen pizzas do this all the time. It’s not Delivery, it’s deceit. BOOM! Now that’s a slam!
29. No Straw, Please
If you want to reduce car fatalities, you need to install this in every single car. People will drive much more carefully when twelve ounces of coke could spill on them with one jerky turn. You’d think that the possibility of flying through a windshield would make people drive more safely, but no, I think we need something like this. I can’t believe the person tried this in the first place. If I was doing this I’d feel like I was handling a bomb. At any moment it could go off. I guess that’s what you do when your car doesn’t have cup holders.
No wonder I can’t get my straw through the top of the perforations sometimes. Those things are liquid tight. I might have to take some cups and lids from McDonalds and use them as tupperware. My food will never go bad.
30. What is it Suitable For?
This one takes lying to new heights. Or should I say, it DOESN’T take lying to new heights. It should take anything to heights because it’s not suitable for climbing. It may be difficult to see, but that’s what the rope says on the label, despite the fact that it clearly shows someone climbing on it. God forbid someone grabs this rope without reading the label and goes out on a climb. To be fair though, if you’re going to put your life in the hands of a rope, you better read the packaging.
What is this rope good for, tying people up and torturing them? That’s not exactly something you can show on the label. What kind of company would make a product intended to hurt people? Oh, people who make machine guns for war? Got it.